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What are Friends For?

            Tired of Miami’s crime, traffic, hurricanes and high cost of living, Michael and Jeanette Tristani moved to Hazelton, North Dakota. After the move, they found that Hazelton indeed has a low crime rate, low tax rate and a low cost of living. And the Tristani kids like the school. According to one article, “In 2005, the Hazelton Development Corp., formed by a group of citizens concerned about the town's dwindling population (currently about 240), ran ads across the country to lure new families, offering two free lots and up to $20,000 in startup money. The community had hundreds of inquiries from families around the world, and several families actually visited the town. But the Tristanis were the only family to actually move there. They heard the offer as ‘an answer to our prayers,’ Michael Tristani said. [They] came prepared for the bitter North Dakota winters, where wind chills are sometimes 50 degrees below zero and snow is measured in feet rather than inches. They weren't prepared, however, for the small-town [cold shoulder]. ‘No one really wants new people here,’ Michael said. When he came to town, Michael was wearing gold necklaces and a Rolex and driving a Lexus – in a place where pickup trucks, farm caps and bib overalls are more common. ‘People thought I was a drug dealer,’ he said. Initially, the Tristanis opened a bistro and coffee shop, but they soon had to petition for a restraining order against the owners of another coffee shop, who, they allege, drove by their house yelling obscenities and threatening to damage their home. Now both shops are closed and they’re returning to Miami (“Feeling Unwelcome, Family Plans Departure from Town that Invited Them,” The Wired Word for February 21, 2010, http://www.thewiredword.com/subscriber/default.aspx?id=4525, © Communication Resources).

            Sounds like the people of Hazelton had good intentions but forgot that being a friend was an expected part of the offer. Being a friend takes some work, but we can barely remember to change the oil in our car once every three months much less perform regular relationship maintenance on a fleet of friends! So we don’t get too close to the friends we do have, and we avoid making more friends. That’s more convenient for our busy schedule and more comfortable for our lifestyle.

            The comfortableness of that choice turns to discomfort, however, when the to-do list about friendships in God’s Word today confronts us with its high performance demands. God says, “Love must be sincere,” but I have pursued emotionally selfish goals in my friendships. God says, “Hate what is evil; cling to what is good,” but when we hang out with friends who behave badly we cling to what is evil, and when we choose the easy way instead of the right way we hate what is good. God says, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves;” those sound like worthy goals for humanity until they require us to give up our parking spot or squeeze some time for community service or church volunteering into a busy schedule. God says, “Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord,” but my zeal for friendship flares up most often when it wants to serve not the Lord but me. God says, “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer,” but friends notice the out-of-control temper or the whining more than the prayerful quest for God’s blessing. God says, “Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality;” it’s easy for us to like the idea of new members in our church but when they need friends in a Grace Group or need a leader for their common interest group and there are none to be found, or when providing hospitality to church goers at Grace falls on the shoulders of only two or three brave souls who show up almost every Sunday to unlock the parking lot, open the Grace Center, and clean the trash off the sidewalk but when they’re busy or burned out the hospitality disappears. God says, “Bless those who persecute you,” but I find that I prefer the title “friend” only for those who treat me nice. God says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice,” but competition and jealousy of others who receive assignments or positions or blessings we want have ruined our friendships. God says, “Mourn with those who mourn,” but we go back to our work week quickly forgetting about widows, those who have lost jobs, or those battling cancer after praying for them on Sunday. God says, “Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited,” but we’re too important to ruin our reputation by eating lunch in the cafeteria with the losers at the loser table. Forgetting about being a friend isn’t just Hazelton’s problem. It’s our problem. Our sin.

            Here’s the root of the problem. We think that we are so good to others because we’re church people, like the priest and the Levite in Jesus’ parable of the Good Samaritan, but honestly haven’t been the type of neighbor Jesus describes. What I read in surveys about churches is validated firsthand by my experience with my unchurched friends: the biggest fact that keeps unchurched people away from the church is not the exclusive teachings, or the archaic tradition, or the plodding music. The biggest reason unchurched people stay away from the church is the bad behavior of church people – clergy and members. How do we answer that? Simply dismiss it as a silly perception? That doesn’t help. We church people can say, “Hey all you unchurched people, why don’t you come to our beautiful building and be like us?!!” And they’ll say, “No thanks,” because to them we are the priest and the Levite in Jesus’ parable.

            It seems unfair. Impossible really. 19 directives from God packed into 8 verses from the book of Romans. And we’ve smashed them all to pieces like breaking mom’s favorite lamp again and again and again. But nothing is impossible with God. If we cannot be the kind of friends God wants us to be then Jesus wouldn’t have issued the command, “Love one another.” You can love God’s way instead of sin’s way. “We love,” the Bible says, “because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). God took our natural way of loving, a way that seeks our selfish desires first, a way that has hurt people and used people and ignored people – God took what we have done and what we have left undone and punished it all in his Son Jesus, who became our Good Samaritan. “He loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins” (1 John 4:10). Now that our Good Samaritan Savior has cleaned our wounds, now that he has told the Father, “Take care of them and I’ll pay whatever the cost …” Now God can hand us a list of 19 directives and believe that we can keep 19. You can be a better friend because, first, God is your perfect friend. You can love others better because, first, God perfectly loves you.

            It turns out that the people of Hazleton aren’t all that bad after all. Another news article mentions that the Tristanis were a bit rude when they moved to town, and that they sensationalized the media with half-true accusations. Still, they needed a friend and didn’t find one. The people of Hazleton were friendly, but that wasn’t enough. I have a compliment to pass on to Grace members that I hear from many visitors who attend services or activities here. This is a very friendly congregation. Keep that up. But friendly isn’t enough. The salesman at Sears is friendly. The people of Hazleton were friendly. We need to be friends to others. Precisely the effort of our Getting Together 2010 initiative, promoting activities of Christian friendship through Grace Groups and common interest groups. Get involved in one, stay active in one, coordinate one – not just for you, but to be a friend to others. And there’s friendship in your life beyond this church.

            Someone needs you to be a friend. Saved and strengthened by Jesus, you can be that friend. Never fickle, always faithful, Jesus loves you with a sincere love. Who needs your love to be more sincere – to be a tough love, or take time off, or set healthy boundaries, or refuse to support unhealthy choices? Jesus chases temptation from bullying you into evil and provides you opportunities to do what is right. What group of friends needs your help to avoid evil and pursue good? Jesus gave special attention to the underprivileged and honored the requests of thieves and prostitutes. Who would be more blessed and confident as a person if you were to give special attention to him or show her more honor than she’d ever believe she deserves? Jesus’ zeal pulled him away from the ninety-nine sheep to rescue the one who was straying. Who needs your zeal to be personal enough to step away from the laptop that sends a flowery poem to everyone in your contacts, and to be personal, to look him in the eye and to help him find his way? Jesus prayed, “Father forgive them,” for his enemies. Who has hurt you, someone who you can pray for and forgive? Jesus welcomed strangers and sometimes shared his greatest gifts with them. Who is estranged from the faith, needing your gifts? Jesus wept with Mary and Martha. Who needs your companionship in a time of grief? Wow. Being a Good Samaritan is a great responsibility. But Jesus is greater, and Jesus has fulfilled it all once when he fulfilled every one of these 19 directives for you. Today, believe in him and let him fulfill them all again through you. “Go and do likewise” (Luke 10:37); that is both a challenging command and a powerful promise. Who is my neighbor?    Amen.

Preached at Grace Lutheran Church, Milwaukee, WI (www.gracedowntown.org) on July 18, 2010

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Grace Evangelical Lutheran Church | 1209 North Broadway Milwaukee, WI 53202 | (414) 271-3006

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